Onion Oracles

Emma Sprague, Reporter

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Someone is going to spoil Infinity War for you, but it’s lowkey your fault because you waited too long to go and see it.


Taurus (April 20-May 20)

The whales saw you in the crowd at SeaWorld last summer, and they haven’t forgotten. Remain optimistic and hope that they just want to be lifelong friends.


Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Look towards the ground instead of the stars. You’re more likely to find a dollar there then floating around in the sky.


Cancer (June 21-July 22)

The stars aren’t real. Time isn’t real. Everything is an illusion.


Leo (July 23-August 22)

Something exciting is going to happen to you, but remember: anticipate, don’t participate…or something along those lines.


Virgo (August 23-September 22)

The creators of Fortnite are going to start paying you because of the countless wins you’ve had in the last week.


Libra (September 23- October 22)

You’re completely broke right now but don’t fret, the best things come in small doses.


Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

Remember this. I never said that life would be fantastic, but there may or may not be some freezer-burned Pizza Rolls in the back of the freezer right now.


Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

Prepare to win the debate over which breakfast cereal is better.


Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

You’ll read this sentence. That’s all I got. Your life is pretty boring…according to the stars.  


Aquarius (January 20-February 20)  

It really be like that sometimes.


Pisces (February 19-March 20)

You’ll try to be a vegan for a week. It won’t go well because of your short term memory loss. Wait, what are we talking about?