Fear is a feeling that everyone has a personal connection with, no matter who you are. It’s a cold shadow that looms over your shoulder. Or maybe it’s a villain, fighting against your morality. To me, it’s an unstoppable monster.
It grabs hold of my lungs and squeezes out every last breath, leaving me gasping for air. It takes control of my heart and tears away any sense of feeling until there is only an empty husk left behind.
Next thing you know, your body moves before you command it.
The sheer power that fear can have over our emotions and actions is scary enough. It can feel overwhelming just knowing that at any given moment, you might not be you.
This feeling is inevitable. No matter what you do or where you go, it will take control once again. All it needs is one tiny spark, then the fire will rage.
Now, how does one escape the inescapable? They run, of course! It’s the only natural response to something that can hurt us, emotionally or physically.
“I’m not going up that ladder. It’s too high!”
“I’m not killing that spider, it might get me!”
“I’m not going home … It’s too scary.”
Running from what scares us might seem like the right choice at the moment, but it’s only a short period of peace. In order to conquer our fears, we must face them.
As of a few months ago, my father was diagnosed with cancer, from which he’s expected to die.
I remember the day he told us was the only time I had ever seen my dad cry. He nearly fell into my arms sobbing. I could only make out one sentence.
“I don’t understand why this happened … ”
I guess I was too busy crying myself to hear the rest.
With each passing moment, the situation seemed to only get worse.
My father’s body is getting smaller and smaller. He’s lost so much weight, the skin around his face has sunken in. He wears the same black and gray hoodie every day. He tells me he’s cold, but I know he wears it to cover up the fact his hair has started to fall out.
He hardly looks like dad anymore.
Worst of all, sometimes I see him staring out the window. Just thinking.
I can only imagine what he must be going through. So one night on a car ride back home, I asked him.
He told me, “Life is like this sometimes … everybody dies.”
Maybe one day, I’ll learn to accept his answer. In the meantime, I just stare.
I watch him from the corner of the staircase, just waiting around to die. This feeling would overwhelm me as I watched. Before, I couldn’t even begin to describe it. But now I know exactly what this feeling is.
It’s fear, and fear is an unstoppable monster. Its claws have wrapped themselves around my home.
There is nothing that I can do to prevent what is coming. All I can do is wait for the end. It terrifies me … so I run.
I ran all the way to Philadelphia.
A school trip that would take me as far as I could possibly go. Fancy hotel, good food, the freedom of being a child lost in the big city. I was flying through a vacation high to forget about the horrors of home.
However, on that last day, it hit me.
“I’m going back.”
No matter where I go, or how long I’m away, I will always wind up back home.
Running from my fears had only brought me temporary peace. When I got home from Philly, I could see that if I keep running, I will always be afraid of seeing my father.
I took a deep breath and faced my fear. I sat down and talked to my dad. I talked to him like I did before his diagnosis. He laughed just like he used to.
My dad is still my dad.
Facing your fears can seem impossible sometimes, but in my experience it is the only way to conquer them. Once you can take that jump, you might see that it wasn’t as bad as your mind made it out to be.
Fear has a funny way of making itself seem really threatening, like a beast bearing its teeth and claws to send a message. Step forward and you’re dead, so it’s better to just turn around.
However, fear is less of an unbeatable monster and more of just a wounded animal. One that needs you now more than ever before.
So take a moment to listen to that fear. I’m not talking about heights, or your weird uneasiness to bees or something. I’m talking about the fear that lives deep within your heart. Think of what scares you so much, it’s almost impossible to even imagine.
Now take a step. It doesn’t have to be a big one, it just needs to be forward.
It is necessary to tend to your wounded heart. Only when you embrace your nightmares, can you begin to dream.
Soon you’ll be thinking:
“Is this what I was running from?”