Mainstream religious conflict has filtered in among SHS students in the past couple of weeks, leading to an uptick in ritualistic sacrifices and over 9,000 casualties among the different types of fries.
With the recent invasion of the Cult of the Curly Fries, students have become heavily invested in the power struggle between this new group and the ones that are already established , Shrine of the Smiley Fry and Fryism. Students have even participated in several of the key battles of the war.
SHS junior Brad Thomas has joined forces with the Cult of the Curly after he claims he saw a vision of a curly fry surrounded in blinding light.
“I couldn’t really see much of anything, but it looked a little bit like a curly fry,” Thomas said. “I’m sure that it came to me because I traded my disgusting regular fries for some curly fries during lunch.”
Thomas was recently expelled for punching freshman Lukas McBryant in the face for saying that he didn’t have a preference in french fries.
Physical and verbal fights such as this one have increased exponentially since the recent introduction of curly fries to the lunch menu. When there were only two varieties of fries, smiley and regular, the two sides and an understanding about each other according to senior Smiley Shriner Samuel Sanders.
“Before those new age fluffermuckers (curly fries) there was a common ground,” Sanders said. “We both understood that a fried coating was the best, but those blasted vermin came in and threw the whole world in a tizzy.”
After the introduction of curly fries to the lunch menu, their popularity and territory rapidly increased. It took only a week for them to occupy the forsaked senior section and the surrounding tables, and their expansion around the lunchroom only continued from there.
Feeling threatened, the ruling parties of both the Smiley Shrine and Fryism called for a unified crusade to put the “infidels” back to the famous “east side of the cafeteria.” The groups acquired support from teacher Evan Scott and began their crusade.
“I honestly didn’t know what all the fuss was about with the ‘purifying’ crusade,” Scott said, “But they said something about sending them to the east side of the cafeteria, and I was all in.”.
After several hard-fought battles that lead to three “crusaders” being expelled from the school and only one Cult of the Curly member being suspended, nearly 7,000 fries on all sides had been smashed on the floor, much to the chagrin of the custodians. The Cult of the Curly managed to push the crusaders back to where the pre-war border had been, and then they pushed farther.
By the time the war was over and the 98th Treaty of Paris had been signed, Cult of the Curly occupied all the way to the middle aisle of the cafeteria. War leader of Cult of the Curly, Shawn McDonald, gave praise to his “Fake-French tactics,” where they waved a slightly off-color white flag and pretended to surrender. His troops then attacked quickly and caught their enemies unsuspecting in the cafeteria bathroom during passing period.
“I don’t know why no one thought of this before, because it really works well,” McDonald said. “The only problem is that people start making memes about it, and it’s really insulting.”
While the 98th Treaty of Paris is set to keep the peace until Spring Break, both sides have started preparing for future conflict. Fryists have reached out to McDonald’s for monetary support, while Cult of the Curly has been pledged extra fries to throw into a future war by Arby’s. The Smiley Shrine has yet to see any direct support other than a couple toddlers offering moral support.
According to strategic analyst for the Fryists and AP Stats student senior Hailey Kindleman, there “may or may not but probably will be” a full out offensive the day school resumes after Spring Break.