It wasn’t the smashed box that made sophomore Jerry Cooper suspicious. He says it wasn’t the “out of nowhere” laugh that erupted from his computer when he selected standard shipping. It wasn’t even the strange delivery man that dropped the package off at midnight on a Thursday, disregarding the instructions to “leave the package at the door” and instead placing it precariously on a tree branch hanging nearby.

Cooper says he wasn’t aware of Amazon’s “discrimination” against its standard customers until he received his long awaited Xbox One package, which instead contained a Nintendo Gameboy and a 2012 version of Just Dance Disney Edition.

“Don’t get me wrong, I love some ‘Under the Sea’ to get down to,” Cooper said. “But it was still a shock.”
According to Cooper, the gap between Amazon Prime customers and standard Amazon customers is “alarmingly increasing.” A study in The Journal of Online Shopping concluded that nearly three quarters of Amazon’s standard customers missed the solar eclipse because their protective glasses were delivered late. The other quarter went blind from staring directly at the sun.

Senior Kylie Hart, friend of Cooper’s and Amazon Prime customer, had no trouble viewing the eclipse, despite ordering her protective glasses 30 seconds before the eclipse reached totality. Hart says she remains a fan of Amazon’s customer service. While recalling a story about a “Prime Day” sale in which she ordered live puppies at half off, Cooper wiped a tear from his cheek as he played Tetris on his new Gameboy.

“Jerry has been really distraught,” Hart said. “I tried to order him the Xbox from my Prime account, but I stopped when I heard Alexa’s voice from my Echo warning me not to move.”
Several SHS students, led by Cooper, have founded the “Save the Standard Shipment” alliance, which plans to hold protests every annual “Prime Day.” Former member, freshman Jeff Crane, says he left the group because his mom “caved” and subscribed to Amazon Prime. The other alliance members declined to comment on this loss.