SHS principal Brian Fright announced this week that the entrance to the school that opens directly to the last remaining Pepsi soda machine that students have access to will be closed off until after school.

“We’re just deathly afraid for our students to get so close to those poisonous concoctions under our supervision,” Fright said in a mass phone call to SHS parents. “They have all the right in the world to drink that filth on their own time, but not during school.”