Change? What Change?


Art by Hailey Boger

Emma Sprague, Reporter


The so-called “majestic” creatures known to many as polar bears have been causing some controversy in America recently. People seem to believe that polar bears are being affected greatly by climate change. However, this has been proven a hoax by Sox 49 News.

Dr. Victor Frankenstein, a self proclaimed master of levitation, discovered the “Climate change denial” Wikipedia page and made the decision that climate change was not real. He then sold the story to Sox 49.

“It’s cold in the movie theatre, so climate change is obviously not real,”  Frankenstein said. “I read it on a site called “The Onion,” too, to fact check myself. Two esteemed websites like the ones that I pulled from are more than enough proof. Now, if you excuse me, I’ve got some flying to do.”  

Sox 49 recently sent a research team to the North Pole. From the team’s vantage point at the cafe that was set up for them, they could see that the polar bears were “completely unbothered.” The bears continued to live their daily lives drinking Coca-Cola and soaking up moderate-temperature sun rays.

“Instead of lounging on the sheets of ice, they were swimming in the lukewarm water like they were taking baths,” Infowars host Alex Jones, the leader of the research team, said. “Looked pretty fun to me.”

Some students at SHS have decided to take initiative. Instead of working to stop the presumed causes behind climate change, a few students have decided to migrate polar bears to the U.S. This is technically not illegal “if done the right way,” according to juniors Josh Oak and Abraham Lexus. Oak and Lexus got the bears out of the North Pole and led them to America by luring them using bottles of Coca-Cola and “really cool sunglasses.”

There is currently an overcrowding issue at the Pole because of the amount of polar bears that are enjoying the weather. The bears that are willingly leaving are looking for religious freedom. Oak and Lincoln are in the process of sending another mission trip to the North Pole to lure more bears into the country.

“The polar bears are not coming to America to escape the heat,” Oak said. “They’re all for the nice weather. They’re escaping the religious persecution from penguins. The sooner people realize this, the better.”