While other students across Indiana enjoyed the “casual bliss” of two-hour delays this past Monday, sophomore Dani Mitchell says she sat wide awake in bed angrily, knowing the SHS school day was canceled altogether.

She describes the township as “unnaturally averse” to two-hour delays, due to the fact that Perry Township has had 17 snow days this year. Gordon Dimsel, head of the Perry Township Transportation Committee (PTTC), says the amount of snow days has no relation to the township’s “feelings” towards two-hour delays.

“Of course we have nothing against two-hour delays,” Dimsel said, dabbing his forehead with a handkerchief. “There are certain standards that have to be met, and sometimes the planets just don’t align.”

The alignment of the planets, not used in this case as an expression, is one of the requirements for a two-hour delay. Other requirements listed in the PTTC handbook include the presence of a double rainbow, a sign from God and the signature of President Donald Trump, who has recently stated he doesn’t believe in snow.

Many students, such as senior Fred Pine, say that the unusual requirements for two-hour delays are part of a larger conspiracy that proves the township dislikes high school students. Pine says that delays provide the most benefit for people in high school, and therefore the township tries to issue as few as possible.

“The township is out to get all of us high schoolers, and snow days are the way to hit us where it hurts,” Pine said. “My friend Ron got behind on his work once because of a snow day. They didn’t let him graduate, and I haven’t seen him since.”

Due to the amount of snow days issued this year, the township tweeted this past Thursday that a modified schedule will take effect for the remainder of the semester. The 7:05 a.m. start time for SHS has not been changed, but students are now be expected to adjust to the new end time of midnight. Swimmers are expected to remain at school for 24 hours a day.

“I think a lot of people will realize how beneficial the schedule is once we get started,” superintendent Marvin Mapes said. “Night classes are proven to have much more successful results than day classes.”

The research to which Mapes is referring is a 1945 study in the journal “Obedience for Cats,” which has been discredited by a number of veterinary associations.