Waking up in a cold sweat, English teacher John Warple saw visions of scantrons, mock exams and AP scoring rubrics flash before his eyes. He says his concerns about the upcoming standardized testing and AP exams have “irrevocably” altered the course of his life.

“I keep having this recurring dream,” Warple said. “I’m running from a scantron of immeasurable power, but my efforts are futile. Eventually, it overtakes me, and I’m lost to the void.”

Warple isn’t the only teacher struggling to remain calm. According to science teacher Stella Grainger, certain AP teachers have begun leading group therapy sessions to keep themselves from “ruthlessly attacking” members of the College Board, while others have simply “gone off the deep end.”

Several AP teachers have been reported missing, with the longest absence being that of math teacher Ron Smith. Smith has not returned since the Friday before spring break. During the AP Statistics mock exam, he reportedly nearly lost a limb while lunging across desks to stop a student from answering “C.”

“I’ve never seen that look of unbridled hatred in a man’s eyes before,” junior Quentin Moseley, the aforementioned student, said. “Suddenly, all of the things I did wrong went through my head. ‘I should’ve paid more attention during the 6.4 notes, why didn’t I listen when Mr. Smith talked about the Central Limit Theorem?’ I’m forever scarred.”

Other teachers have started “amping up” the curriculum in the classroom, according to social studies teacher Matthew Reeds. To prepare his students, Reeds has started screaming facts at them while refusing to take questions. He claims that this method emulates the extreme stress of the AP testing environment. Reeds says it originated in early April, after he had finished a month-long unit about China. When a student proceeded to ask him what a dynasty was, he says something inside him “broke.”

“Every day I try to go into class with an open mind,” Reeds said. “Then, little Jimmy comes up and asks me what a dynasty is the month before the AP test. I’m going to have an aneurysm.”

Last Friday, foreign language teacher Isabel Hudson did have an aneurysm. In an email to The Journal, she says this occurred when an AP French student forgot irregular verb conjugations. She will remain hospitalized for the remainder of the school year.

“I’m so grateful for the get-well cards, but unfortunately I can’t make it for exam season,” Hudson wrote. “Darn… Happy testing!”