Onion Oracles

Emma Sprague, Reporter


(March  21- April 19)
Signs point to yes, but it could also be a no. – The indecisive Magic 8 Ball
(April 20 – May 20)
Make sure to look out for falling pianos. The weather has been berserk lately. Who knows what could fall from the sky next.
(May 21 – June 20)
Not available.
(June 21- July 22)
That sour milk you decided to drink (even though your mom told you not to) is actually giving you super powers. Make sure to use them for good.
(July 23 – Aug. 22)
All of the nose picking will pay off someday. Once you extract all of the boogers, you will eventually strike actual gold.
(Aug. 23 – Sep. 22)
The constant comments during movie night have got to stop. You’re tearing your family apart.
(Sep. 23 – Oct. 22)
You’ll realize that face you saw in the clouds was not your guardian angel. It was just the Wendy’s sign. You had way too many chicken nuggets, man.
(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
The universe has granted you with many gifts, but remember that all those presents you were gifted can be shared.
(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
One day, you’ll become an amazing astrologer. All the work you’ve done will pay off. Start looking for a place to live when you retire early.
(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
 You learn it doesn’t matter who stands out. Try to blend in as much as possible. It’ll make life easy as pie; well not pie, that’s too mainstream. Maybe try some fruit cake?
(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
Many flock to admire the beauty of the Aquarians. You may feel like a fish out of water, but at least you’re a pretty fish.
(Feb. 19 – March 20)
 Remember that the world is seen as a dog-eat-dog kind of place. Protect the puppers at all costs.