Terms such as gay, lesbian and queer have always made me feel uneasy. I seemed to be scared and felt embarrassed to call myself a lesbian. It didn’t make sense to me. Why couldn’t I say one simple word?
Ever since elementary school, I knew I was different. I didn’t know it at the time, but I was attracted to the same sex: women. And I guess everyone knew too, almost like an unspoken truth.
Others around me, in a way, were assuming my sexuality, and saying things such as “We always knew.” Even though it made some things easier, I started to doubt many things and often became scared about how others viewed me.
I’ve been experiencing internalized homophobia, which “occurs when a person is subject to society’s negative perceptions, intolerance, and stigma toward people with same-sex attraction,” according to Medical News Today.
I, along with many others who are a part of the LGBTQ+ community, experience some type of internalized homophobia, and because of that, there are lasting negative effects.
Many experience isolation, low self-esteem, increased rates of depression or anxiety and feelings of guilt or shame.
As I began to read and learn more, I realized I was doing things as a result of experiencing internalized homophobia without even noticing and slowly damaging my mental health.
Typically, masculine-presenting LGBTQ+ women portrayals in movies and TV shows, in predominantly straight films, are often written poorly, giving audiences a sometimes false representation.
That’s when I begin to overthink. Throughout my childhood, I’ve seen these gay side characters and how they are often portrayed as “weird,” “man-hating” and often oversexualized.
Some of these films and series have made me so conscious about the way I act and present myself.
I don’t want my friends around me to ever feel uncomfortable or make them think I may have romantic feelings for them. Because of this, I have difficulty discussing my romantic relationships with others.
As I take a step back and analyze, I tend towards finding out the why. Why am I experiencing internalized homophobia? Why does this happen to others?
Throughout different websites, I seem to find a recurring answer: lack of social support. Specifically for me, this comes in the form of family rejection.
While my parents are aware of my sexual identity, some of my extended family members do not agree with it. Though no one has openly acknowledged my sexuality, there has been underlying tension, which is mostly awkwardness regarding relationships and my appearance.
According to National Public Radio, “LGBTQ youth who have rejecting families are eight times more likely to attempt suicide than those who do not have rejecting families.” This statistic alone shows how severe and damaging internalized homophobia can be.
Suicide rates aren’t the only thing that is high when it comes to the effects of internalized homophobia. Individuals may be affected in other aspects of their lives, like school, work and family or friend relationships.
Anxiety is just one of the many things I experience on a day-to-day basis. Along with that comes a mental toll, and having to learn to overcome negative thoughts daily is something I pride myself on getting better at.
For me, taking a step back to breathe, identifying what is worrying me, making mental notes on how to overcome it and even writing them down helps me get past different situations.
If you or someone you know may be experiencing internalized homophobia, know that you are not alone. Sharing and discussing difficult topics will help others become more accepting of themselves and shed more light on the LGBTQ+ community.
People’s views are temporary and out of your control, but loving and accepting yourself lasts forever.
