Tears, sweat, mucus and vomit dripped and fell out of my system. Chills ran down my spine. It felt like I was reaching the abyss, trapped inside of a hole, screaming to get out.
No one could save me.
From the outside, it would seem like I was just getting sick. But to me and so many athletes, a moment like this is a recurring phenomenon.
Now, for many, including me, this is one variation of a “crashout,” or in regular terms, a breakdown so significant that it feels like salt on an open wound.
As I look around SHS, I see my fellow athletes falling out of love with their sport. I, too, am guilty. This isn’t because our sports are “hard,” but it’s because our sports have affected us mentally to a point where we physically can’t pick our feet up.
Though my title as the Sports Editor may give the impression that I love sports and I aspire to tell all the uplifting, happy stories, I contradict myself.
The bottom line is that playing a sport is rough, scary and sometimes awful.
The feelings of fear, stress and sadness are on a constant loop when I think about sports. Even if these emotions aren’t visible, everyone is always going through something, whether it is shown on their face or not.
For me, it’s like I put on a bulletproof vest to protect myself from being shot at with the feelings of pressure and self doubt. And I know I am not the only one.
Sports are supposed to be an escape, a way to disconnect from reality and enter a new world. But for many, it is a nightmare.
I, alongside many athletes, play tug-of-war when asking the question “Is it worth it anymore?” And in my findings, there isn’t an answer.
As athletes, we are always trying to live up to expectations. But when we break, we slap the bandage on the gunshot wound and keep fighting. But does that solve anything?
When an athlete doesn’t have a backbone or a team to call a second home, there isn’t a desire to keep going. Many athletes fight through the pain, killing their soul even more.
And usually, coaches, teachers and athletic directors are often blind to see the score.
For people whose jobs are to make sure all athletes are successful, they often aren’t living up to that description.
One way adults can initiate change, is to regularly check in and create authentic connections with their players to strengthen that trust.
In my life, I struggle immensely with opening up. But as of recently, it is something I’ve been getting better at.
Many athletes hate to admit it, but sometimes they are scared to speak up for themselves, and they shove their feelings in a box and throw away the key.
While I am at the ripe age of 17, I’ve grasped that it is okay to not be okay and to take a step back and realize vulnerability is a strength.
I take every day step by step to truly focus on small victories. I attempt to conquer each day with a positive attitude and not get pulled into a dark headspace.
According to athlete and medical student Samantha Lai’s article on The Medium, athletes should celebrate all types of success. So I am trying to apply that to my life by refraining from dwelling on the thought of ‘not doing enough.’
I feel the unbearable weight on my shoulders each day. But I know that if I don’t carry a good mindset, it will all come crashing down. So my reason for moving forward is so that I can continue to be an impactful leader.
As I’ve made my way through this thing called life, I’ve slowly came to realize it is more than sports, and success on the court doesn’t define happiness.
