I lay frozen on my couch, staring into the black abyss I have created in my mind. Disconnected from the world, I am stuck in the words of my favorite songs I play endlessly. 

I want to be still forever. 

Many happy, fulfilling days turn into these “ice cold” nights. Those nights turn into long mornings that lead to overthinking and “hung-over,” guilty feelings. 

“I just need like 30 extra minutes of sleep. I’m gonna go in a tad late. I just couldn’t get my mind to sleep. I was just thinking all night.” This is a text I sent to my parents. 

That extra 30 minutes leads to missing the entire 90 minutes of first period. 

Once I finally get out of bed, the urge to collapse and cry hits me. Oftentimes, I just throw on sweats and a hoodie without using deodorant or brushing my teeth. 

It’s not because I don’t want to, but physically I just can’t.  

Sloth-like, I crawl my way to school, putting on my TV smile, fighting to please others around me. 

Unfortunately, this is my reality. 

To the common eye, you wouldn’t know anything was happening, but this way of life may be familiar with people experiencing any form of mental health disorders.   

For a while now, I’ve fought this mental battle on my own. Not many know it’s happening, but that’s the scary part. 

When sharing these feelings with others, some don’t believe me because I seem “fine,” even when the signs are hidden in plain sight. 

According to The Mindfulness App, hidden signs of depression include a loss in appetite, problems with sleep, constantly feeling tired, having problems with concentration and abnormal changes in mood. 

Initially, I assume when anyone reads this they would think they could identify these symptoms. But the harsh truth is that is not the case, and that is why many people continue to suffer in silence. 

Something I have uncovered is that the way humans’ minds work is twisted. Some will empathize with you. Others will say things such as “Why didn’t you tell me?” 

But the real issue is what people’s true intentions are. When I share this fact about myself, I already feel like David against Goliaths. 

So why do people’s words of “encouragement” tear me down even more? Do people even care? Or is everyone wrapped up in their own world? 

I wish I could confidently say I trust the words being thrown at me, but simply put, I don’t. 

I often spiral in circles, questioning everything around me. Not because I don’t love the people around me, but because I don’t feel like they’re helping. 

To me, their words feel like filling in the blanks or an awkward side hug. I wish I didn’t feel this way. I love the people in my life, but myself and others feel like a burden to those around us. 

It sucks to not feel any ounce of joy or love. It’s not because I’m not letting it happen, but because everything feels numb and foreign. 

According to Mentalhealth.com, “For many individuals, depression manifests as emotional numbness, known clinically as anhedonia. Anhedonia involves the loss of pleasure or joy in things once enjoyed, creating a sense of emptiness and disconnection. Individuals may struggle to connect emotionally with loved ones or to find happiness in previously fulfilling activities.”

For the longest time, I didn’t think anything was wrong. 

My mom would argue with me because I couldn’t keep my room clean or remember to do simple tasks. I oftentimes would lash out and give her pushback which was unlike myself. 

I slowly began beating myself up for being “dumb” and not this “star student” I used to think I was. 

I didn’t know it at the time, but this was common. I thought I was a lost cause with no more purpose.

According to Mayo Clinic, “In teens, symptoms may include sadness, irritability, feeling negative and worthless, anger, poor performance or poor attendance at school, feeling misunderstood and extremely sensitive.”

It wasn’t until I started sharing how I was feeling with one person in my life that my eyes began to widen and understand that I wasn’t this broken action figure but instead a work in progress with room to grow. 

I hate admitting to the fact that I’m struggling. 

I don’t want anything to seem like a cry for help or that I am some attention seeking little B word. Because for many like me, they don’t want to add weight onto other people. 

For anyone, it’s hard to see the end of the tunnel. But for some, it feels like water is filling up that tunnel and they don’t want to ask for help. 

In a perfect society, everyone would open their eyes and listen with both ears, and maybe then the whole topic of mental health wouldn’t be pulling down generations of people. 

 Humans are designed to be scared and fear others. Though this is reality, it’s killing people physically and mentally. 

It doesn’t take much to be kind. 

So smile at someone.

It might save their life. 

Writer’s note: This wasn’t written to be a rant. But instead, I wrote this in hopes of finding others who can relate. So many people are going through something you cannot see, so check up on your people. They deserve love and care too. And to those who are struggling to stay afloat, don’t be afraid to speak up. Talk to a friend, or write about it. I know it feels like the end of the world. Trust me, I do. But we’re gonna get through this together. Don’t forget you can do all things.