NBA 2k legend Joey Buckets balls out

Senior and god amongst the NBA 2k community participates in local pickup basketball game


Photo illustration by Logan Flake

This image of Senior Joey Buckets’ self-proclaimed abilities has been his profile picture on all social media platforms since early 2014.

Logan Flake, Satire Editor

Junior Randal Allen, self-proclaimed three-point specialist and team captain for the “Indiana Icy Veins,” scanned the park one last time before starting to panic.

Allen was set to make his last player selection for the pickup basketball game that was about to ensue, but there appeared to be no one in sight that looked to have any game at all. Hast Lope, the 4-foot, 110-pound Sophomore who had “balled out in elementary school” that Allen had hoped to snag at the end, had already been taken the pick before. Now, Allen was truly desperate.

But then, almost as if it was an act of fate, a familiar face came strolling into the park. Silence fell over the basketball court as everyone rubbed there eyes at least five times to make sure they weren’t seeing things. After the last of the doubters resorted to spiritual contemplation, a consensus was officially reached that this was all too real.

“You know that scene in the Spongebob Movie where Spongebob heroically turns into a wizard with a Keytar and starts flying around in the sky? That’s what it felt like I was seeing in that moment,” Allen said later on.

It was really Senior Joey Buckets, widely regarded by the community as one of the best NBA 2k players in the world.

Buckets had never conditioned for actual basketball his entire life. He didn’t practice it, didn’t study it, didn’t do anything. In fact, he hardly knew anything about the sport. He didn’t need to.

Buckets is so undeniably good at NBA 2k that his skills from the video game transfer over to him in real life seamlessly.

Buckets was only at the park to pick up his little sister, Camika Tatchings. When he noticed all of the people staring at him in silence from the court as though they were in the presence of a God, he sighed deeply. He knew what he had to do.

“Sorry about this, Camika, but it will only take a minute,” Buckets told his sister. It was then that, almost reluctantly, Buckets dug out a headband from his back pocket and placed it over his head. He then proceeded towards the court.

Suddenly, news reporters started flowing into the park from all directions as they saw what was about to happen. Luckily, The Journal happened to have had someone there from the beginning to cover what was quickly turning into a historic event.

Back at the court, chaos had erupted. Players from the other team, the “South Side Snipers,” demanded a redraft. Some of them even started to cry as they thought about the prospect of having to play Buckets. Players from the Icy Veins frantically resorted to doing passing drills, knowing that with Buckets on their team, nobody but him would be taking shots.

When Buckets finally made it to the court, nobody was ready. Everyone simply stopped what they were doing and looked over in his direction, almost waiting for him to call the shots. Confused, Buckets looked around and waited for someone to direct him to a team. Players from the Icy Veins awkwardly raised their arms as a signal to Buckets. Just like that, in the words of Junior and Snipers captain Ian Iverson, “all of my dreams, everything I’d ever aspired to do, were crushed.”

Buckets stayed true to his word. The “first team to 20” game took a mere 59 seconds for the Icy Veins to win. Buckets finished with 20 points, 55 rebounds and 11 steals. He was also credited for an assist (even though he didn’t pass the ball a single time) for his general assisting of the entire team to win the game.

When asked about his performance, Buckets only had one thing to say before heading over to get his sister from the playground.

“You know I had to do it to ‘em,” Buckets said. “Now, get out of my way so I can get home and play more 2k.”

Buckets left behind a court that was more likened to a post-war battlefield than a place to play basketball. Shattered and twisted bodies with ankles thrown completely out of place lay scattered from basket to basket. Iverson had been frozen up so badly by Buckets that his teammates actually thought he was dead until a single tear glimmered down his cheek.

Icy Veins players were more confused than anything.

“Wait, are we done?” one team member asked. “When did the game even start? I didn’t even move from this spot the whole time.”