Welcome to The Red Onion


Photo by Madeline Steward

Logan Flake, Satire Editor

Riley Hyatt: “We need a name for the new satire page. It needs to be hip and original.”
Logan Flake: “I got it! How about we name it based off of something red? The first thing that flows into my mind is some kind of food.”
Hyatt: “Wow! Where’d you pull that idea from? That’s genius! But what food?”
Flake: “Let’s brainstorm some foods that are naturally red. There’s apples, tomatoes, red peppers…”
Hyatt: “Onions!”
Flake: “Oh, onions! Totally! How’d I never think of that!”

Hello, and welcome to this “The Onion”* inspired, student-produced and hopefully somewhat funny new section called “The Red Onion” (see what we did there? Here’s the part where you laugh at how clever we are.) Now that you’re here, why not settle down, stay awhile and listen to this spiel about what this section is and what to expect out of it.
First off, what’s satire? To answer this question, we here at The Journal underwent deep, personal altercations with our inner selves and did some soul-searching to develop what is surely the greatest definition that you’ll ever see of this word (all of that was a really long synonym for “we looked it up on Google.”) Here’s what we discovered. Satire is defined as “the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people’s stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.” Satire is formulated here through short, semi-fake news stories that are formatted as if they were legit but are really just filled with nonsense. If people were to gloss over one of these satire stories, they’d probably think it was real at first glance. However, if they were to do a more in-depth reading only to find a story about SHS students returning their dress shirts and khaki pants en masse after finding out that the rumors of a new dress code under Brian Knight were phony, they’d probably be able to put two-and-two together at that point. If this concept were to be presented to members of any section other than this one, they would probably be very visibly distraught. Their foreheads and palms would probably start to sweat and they might even black out temporarily. This is normal, don’t worry. Feel free to test this out for yourself.
See, “The Red Onion” isn’t tied down to the same rules that other sections in this publication have to follow. This is the only section where you can blatantly make things up and get away with it. That doesn’t mean that this section doesn’t have any guidelines, however. For example, there’s no background check or permit required for this as one of the biggest goals for this section is to keep it from being used as a weapon. This doesn’t mean that we can’t poke fun (expect a lot of fun to be poked) it just means that we can’t directly trash someone or his/her actions i.e. roasting someone’s staunch dedication to only wearing light-up sketcher shoes (let’s be honest, someone that lives that kind of lifestyle would probably get enough scrutiny as is.) Satire isn’t just a place where someone can go to vent out their frustrations about someone or something in some freelance style. It’s a place where someone can go to vent out their frustrations about someone or something in a creative way through fake storytelling while avoiding direct attacks in the process. See? There’s a distinct difference there. Now that all the guidelines for this page have been established, it’s time to set you loose to read some actual satirical stories. This is a really emotional moment. This is sort of like a kid moving out from their parents’ house for the first time. It’s sad for sure, but this is how it has to be. You’re on your own now. Good luck, and break a leg (actually, please don’t break a leg. That’s the last thing we need to happen in a situation like this.)

* “The Red Onion” is in no way affiliated with “The Onion,” and the viewpoints expressed here are completely our own. We just wanted to use this name, so we emailed the Onion and they said they were cool with it. So, please don’t sue us. Seriously, don’t sue us. We use our money to fuel ourselves up with Papa John’s pizza, and that is a very important step in the creation of The Journal. Can’t write on an empty stomach, right?