Decision 2016: Twitter edition

Twitter warfare between two users ends with a clear victor


Logan Flake

Clint Stevens and Rob Michaels are caught in the middle of their twitter showdown

Chad Smith, Reporter

Two prominent Twitter users went keyboard-to-keyboard in a roast battle this past weekend, resulting in the crowning of a new Twitter Roast Battle Federation Heavyweight Champion.
The two fighters, users Rob Michaels “@YungStud42” and Clint Stevens “@DonnyDump,” squared off this past Saturday, Nov. 12. Michaels was originally named the favorite to win, but Stevens managed to pull off an unbelievable upset in order to take the title.
“I completely scorched him all over the timeline,” Stevens said.
Set for three rounds, the match lasted a total of 10 minutes before Michaels became too heated and could not continue the fight. Stevens was unanimously named the winner, after Michaels lost nearly half of his followers and all of his Twitter cred.
Round one saw Stevens come recklessly at his opponent, accusing Michaels of loving pineapples on his pizza. This caused Michaels to come back with a series of blows against Stevens’ love of Scandinavian goat metal, calling it a disgrace and an abomination to the world of music.
“He came at me sideways, I couldn’t believe it,” Michaels said. “I would never put pineapples on a pizza. Meat lovers all the way.”
The second round was much more brutal, with both competitors taking shots at each other’s favorite brand of paper towels. Stevens expressed his love for Bounty, saying he’ll use it to wipe the floor with his opponent. Michaels then returned fire by stating his favorite, Brawny, is too strong for the competition to handle.
In the final round, things really started to heat up, with Michaels handing his opponent a devastating insult to his hairline, nearly clinching the title right then and there. Stevens would not back down, though, hitting Michaels with a brutal “yo mama” joke. This would prove to be the deciding blow of the match, one from which Michaels would never recover.
“I couldn’t believe I’d done it,” Stevens said. “I hit him with all I had, and it was enough to force him into submission.”
Broken and battered, Michaels announced his retirement from the Internet shortly after the match.