My skydiving, yung moolah’n spring break

Logan Flake, Satire Editor


Think about the best Spring break trip you’ve ever been on. Maybe it was a whole-break long voyage to France. Maybe it was a few day’s stay at Anywhere But Indiana, USA. Maybe it was a weekend’s stay at your crazy cat lady grandmother’s cabin in Idaho. Okay, scratch that last one.
Think long and hard about your experiences on that trip and realize that the ones that I was blessed enough to go through over this most recent break just crushed yours by the equivalent of a million points on the Donkey Kong arcade game leaderboards.
My first stop found me in New York City. While there, I happened to run into Lil Wayne at the Toys R Us in Times Square. We were both looking for the same Ninjago LEGO set, actually. We made eye contact, and he started to scurry away in fear that I was the typical fan in desperate need of an autograph and a photo of him.
I motioned for him to stop and directed him back over to me. Confused, he obliged. All I asked of him was to scream his iconic line “YUNG MOOLA BABEH” for me. He did just that, and it was truly a life-changing experience.
I knew that nothing else that I could possibly do in the Big Apple would ever come close to topping that experience, so I decided to move on and take a flight over to California. While walking around the streets of Los Angeles, I found a killer skate park. Totally stoked, I pulled my xSlasherx skateboard and helmet from my bookbag and ran over to expose some fools.
To my utmost surprise, Tony Hawk had the same idea as me and was already in the process of ripping up the entire park. He was impressed with my crisp landing of a 720 on my first try, so he came over to talk to me. For some strange reason, we both knew exactly what we needed to do. Without haste, we skated over to the nearest skydiving facility and booked a flight. He was disappointed to learn that skateboard tricks are nearly impossible to do in the sky.
After my time freefalling with Tony Hawk was over, I decided that it was about time to wind things down and consider getting back home. I figured that there was no better way to end such a grand adventure than with a hearty meal, and I knew just the place to go for that.
The flight to Canada felt like it took ages, but once I finally landed, I ran in a full sprint to the nearest pancake house. Due to overcrowding, I was forced to share a booth with some stranger in favor of waiting an hour for a seat all to myself. Imagine the look on my face when Canadian prime minister Justin Trudeau sat across from me. He looked at me with the most Canadian smile ever and said “this one’s on me, buddy. I’ll even order for you, I know what’s good here.”
Long story short, I finished out my eventful break with some extra extra syrup pancakes with smiles on them formed out of whip cream.
Haters will say it’s some kind of photoshop or green screen, but they’re just jealous. Sure, my camera quality isn’t great and all my pictures look like they have a green hue to them. What’s the big deal? E-mail Lil Wayne and I promise he’ll vouch for me. We’re hommies now.