Hi-C? More like Bye-C.


Photo by Emma Sprague

Sophomore Francis Salmon pours food coloring into her Sprite from McDonald’s to imitate Hi-C.

An affliction has struck patrons of the local McDonald’s. After drinking Hi-C Orange, customers report their skin turning orange, fruity breath and an addiction to the citrus drink. Symptoms are reported to appear 12 to 24 hours after consumption, leading to a decline in Hi-C sales at the McDonald’s restaurant. Doctors have coined this disease as “Hi-Ctosis.” Sophomore Francis Salmon has seen the symptoms of this disease first hand.

“My sister loves Hi-C Orange,” Salmon said. “It’s the only thing she drinks with her happy meal. If we give her Fanta she throws a fit. My family and I thought it was strange that she started drinking Hi-C with every meal. She even puts it in her cereal.”

When questioned about the situation, the manager of the establishment declined to offer any information, but one of the employees, Vera Million, had a startling revelation.

“Everything was fine until a couple weeks ago. Corporate started to phase out Hi-C Orange in certain stores and people started rioting,” Million said. “The original, non addictive Hi-C was too expensive to keep supplying so they switched it for a knockoff version. It tastes virtually the same but is highly addictive.”

Million says she can disclose such secrets because the company came out with a press release solely to employees that “the McDonald’s corporation has so much money that no one cares about who exposes their secrets.”

Doctors have tried in vain to find a cure for “Hi-Ctosis.” Countless cases have flooded into medical office of Ochre and Scarlet, where Doctor Tanya Gerrine works. The doctors continue to work tirelessly to find a cure.

“My colleagues and I had heard rumors of this disease in underground medical circles,” Gerrine said. “We thought it was just a myth, but here we are, overwhelmed with kids and adults alike battling this disorder.”

The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation has donated a considerable amount of money to the cause, totalling out to a whopping $12.10. The Center for Hi-Ctosis Research Foundation is making considerable progress on researching this citrus condition. Doctors, parents, and children all hope this mysterious disease can be cured swiftly and without casualties. The McDonald’s corporation has refused to comment on this developing situation but has made efforts to have the drink removed from stores nationwide by December 2018.