“Are you sure you’re not just confused or going through a phase?”
“You’re too young to understand it.”
“So you’ll never fall in love?”
“But how can you have a real relationship without sex?”
These are some of the most common questions I’ve almost always been asked whenever I’ve decided to come clean about my asexuality, especially among people with whom I have grown a close bond to.
On the surface, this wouldn’t matter as much since most people aren’t entirely familiar with the concept of being under the asexual or aromantic spectrum. For the most part, it is typically asked out of genuine curiosity and a yearning to understand something “different” from what they’re used to.
Yet beneath the surface, few realize that these seemingly innocent questions stem from a deeper, often overlooked issue. This reveals how society’s subtle invalidation has become so normalized to the point of going completely unnoticed.
This made me come to the realization that what I had experienced in the past is known as aphobia, which is “prejudice against asexual and aromantic people,” according to Spectrum.
This form of prejudice can have a significant impact on aspec individuals, negatively affecting their mental and emotional well-being whilst leading to the disregard and ignorance of these orientations.
When I first brought it up to my friend back in middle school, I received a mixed response from them: support and acceptance. But their response also contained a tinge of confusion and disbelief. They asked me, “So are you just scared of being in a relationship?”
It wasn’t questioned with any form of malice, yet it still bothered me for some reason, no matter how much I tried to dismiss it. It made me question whether my feelings were even valid.
It was only later on that I understood my friend’s confusion wasn’t unique. It reflected how society as a whole misunderstands and overlooks aspec identities.
Within the broader conversation regarding acceptance of the queer community, the topic of aphobia is rarely ever brought up. Even when people discuss inclusivity, asexual and aromantic identities are often left out or treated as an afterthought.
This silence makes it harder for aspec individuals to feel valid about their experiences.
Media representation doesn’t help either. Most characters are often assumed to be straight unless explicitly stated otherwise. However, when a character is confirmed to be asexual, they’re sometimes portrayed as “cold and calculative,” “comedic and immature,” or nothing more than just a “phase” to overcome, according to a YouTube video.
These portrayals reinforce the idea that romantic or sexual attraction is what makes someone complete, leaving little room for those who don’t feel those things.
Aphobia may not always appear as open hostility, but as quiet dismissal shown through jokes, the disbelief or the assumption that something must be “wrong.” To challenge it, people must first recognize it.
Listening, learning and respecting asexual and aromantic identities can help create a culture that values understanding over judgment.
