At 6:41 a.m., on June 30, 2017, the bright morning sun shone through the curtains, illuminating my room. As I laid in my bed, I was wide awake, my eyes fixed on my surroundings, but my mind wandered elsewhere.
I was consumed by my thoughts when I felt my mouth go alarmingly numb. Not long after, my muscles grew increasingly stiff.
As I began to get up out of my bed in worry, an invisible force held me back. Within seconds, I couldn’t move any part of my body except for my eyes.
While I looked around my room, my gaze fell on the alarm clock on my night stand. As I stared at it, my eyes slowly began to close. Then, at 6:42 a.m., my world went completely dark.
Soon, my entire body, especially my arms and legs, began to violently shake. Although I was conscious, I was paralyzed, and there was no way for me to control the shaking.
I lied there for a full two minutes until it finally stopped.
On the surface, it looked like I had a seizure. But it would take numerous visits with a neurologist, one MRI, two more “seizures,” three EEGs and a few meetings with a counselor for me to learn that I actually had a pseudoseizure, also known as a fake seizure that is caused by anxiety.
While I look back on that morning wishing that I had not let my anxiety preoccupy my thoughts, it was through that experience that I realized how substantial of an impact stress has on one’s body. I knew that my anxiety would always be prevalent no matter what, but in order to prioritize my health, which is more important than anything, I learned that my anxiety is not meant to control me, I am meant to control it.
Now, when I recall the moments before my first pseudoseizure occurred, I have no memory of what made me that anxious that morning.
It’s interesting to think that a worry that caused one of the most traumatic events of my life is not memorable to me now. Even so, I’ll never forget the effect it had on my body that day.
Specifically, I know I’ll always remember the moments after the pseudoseizure had stopped. I was still paralyzed, and all I could see was a dark void. At that moment, for the first and only time in my life, I truly thought I was dead.
I think about this memory often, but whenever I mention it to my parents, they tell me to stop. They always say that it hurts them to think about the pain I went through.
Although my parents choose to forget this memory, I know I never will. To me, it serves as a reminder that I should never let my worries control me again. Over time, this reminder evolved into a promise.
Throughout middle school and for most of high school, I have kept this promise close to my heart.
I understand that my anxiety is never going to completely go away because I stress about the things that I love and care about, and there is nothing wrong with that.
However, I also understand that it is not okay for me to let my anxiety create other irrational thoughts and impacts on my body.
Being healthy mentally and physically helps me feel good about how I feel, look and the work that I do. If anxiety hinders me from feeling that, then it should have no role in determining my mental and physical health.
Therefore, learning how to let anxiety not rule my life and thoughts is more important than anything.
While this is easier said than done, I’ve learned that activities such as journaling, listening to music and exercising have helped me overcome my worries.
Even more than that, I’ve learned that I am stronger and bigger than my worries. At the end of the day, even if I am stressed about something, I remember that I’m still me and I will be okay no matter what happens.
While I have worked very hard to not let my anxiety control me, I am not always perfect at this task.
In October of 2025, my anxiety skyrocketed. Simultaneously, my mental and physical health deteriorated.
As a senior who’s taking five AP classes, is an involved member in the newspaper and is trying to figure out what lies beyond the familiar halls of high school, I was burnt out and overwhelmed.
I felt myself become depressed, experienced many delayed menstrual cycles and even suffered from food aversions.
I was frustrated with myself for allowing my stress to impact my body this much, but I knew how much I cared about my classes, newspaper and future. So it was completely normal for me to stress about them. However, the effects this stress had on my body was unacceptable.
As I drowned in my feelings of worry, I remembered the promise I had made to myself years ago.
In order to protect my health, I stood up to my anxiety. For the first time in three months, I prioritized my health.
When I think back to the day of my first pseudoseizure, I feel heartbroken for the nine-year-old girl that lay on that bed paralyzed with fear and uncertainty of the future.
Even so, I hope she can see me now putting my well-being over all else.
