Harambe ‘handled’ by Hillary, leaked email reveals

Andrew Tapp, News Edtior

In a recent release from the FBI, an email that Democratic Presidential-nominee Hillary Clinton forgot to delete was discovered. In said email, she told the Cincinnati Zoo to shoot the gorilla Harambe.
This recent disclosure has caused for massive uproar from both sides of the political aisle. The Joint Congressional Committee for RIP Harambe has subpoenaed her for a hearing, scheduled on Sept. 28, exactly five months after Harambe was shot.
“I have no idea what they are talking about” Clinton said, while trying to delete some more emails. “I’m so used to these dumb email hearings that I’ll probably just send a staffer for me. They know how I work. I never answer a single question.”
Thayne Maynard, Director of the Cincinnati Zoo, claims that he knows nothing about the email. He says that he never even checks his email. He said this after he was found sedating another gorilla named Bantu while on a work visit to a zoo in Mexico.
“I have never received an email from Mrs. Clinton,” Maynard said. “We wanted to kill that dumb gorilla anyway. That kid ‘accidently’ falling in the enclosure just gave us some media exposure. Hey, that rhymed. Maybe I should be a rapper.”
Chairman of the Joint Harambe Mourning Committee, Sen. Mark Wilson (R-Ind.), has stated that this committee will serve in a “completely unbiased and totally objective” manner. At which point he bursted out laughing along with his other Republican colleagues.
“We’ve received nothing else on these emails and since the FBI won’t put her in jail, we thought this was the next best thing,” Wilson said.
Clinton’s supporters around the world have been shouting praises in support of her decision to have Harambe shot.
“We are glad Clinton told the zoo to shoot that stupid, misogynistic gorilla,” Director of Feminists for Hillary Samantha Kowalski said.
However, various heads of state, such as President Xi Jinping of China, President Francois Hollande of France, Leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi of ISIS and King Salman of Saudi Arabia spoke out in absolute outrage against the shooting.
“I could not believe my ears when I heard the terrible news,” Salman said. “After we have given all of this money to her campaign…I mean the ‘Clinton Foundation,’ I cannot fathom why she would have this execution order. I just hope I’m not next.”
The issue has even plagued her on the campaign trail. There have been avid protests from college students and minorities who feel they have personally been attacked.
“I identify as Harambe,” junior Debra Higgins said. “I personally feel like I was shot in heart. I miss him so much. RIP Harambe.”