Hardee’s four for none deal

Hardee’s yearns to compete with other major fast-food chains with release of new meal in 2018

Logan Flake, Satire Editor

The release of Wendy’s “four  for $4” meal late in 2015 has since, in the words of junior and fast food superfan Dillian Betis, “changed the game forever.” Now, even two years later, other restaurant chains are playing catch-up to the burger, chicken nugget, fries and drink combo that was “years ahead of its time,” Betis said.

Over this two year span, since the four for $4 meal was released, everything from Burger King’s five for $4 meal (which boasts everything the Wendy’s meal offers plus a cookie) to Rally’s four for $3 meal (which gets rid of chicken nuggets in favor of an apple pie for a dollar cheaper than its competitors) has been tossed about like wadded up paper towards a trash bin of success. To this day, the only buzzer-beater, nothing-but-the-bottom-of-the-net bucket that’s been landed can be accredited to Wendy’s.

However, recent news has Betis thinking that Wendy’s won’t sit alone in the metaphorical waste basket for much longer.

“Hardee’s, man…they’re brewing up something special over there,” Betis said. “It’s something so scandalous, so unbelievable, and so incredibly idiotic that it just might work. That Wendy better be shakin’ in her ginger boots, because she’s in for a fight from that star with a face.”

Hardee’s CEO Edwin Frie Harding announced to the public on Monday that his restaurant chain will be rolling out a “four for nothing” deal starting in January of 2018. The meal will be comprised of a burger of the customer’s choosing from any listed on Hardee’s menu, coupled with chicken nuggets, fries and one of Hardee’s “signature fountain drinks.”

“All of this will be dished out to our ever-so loyal customers for the price of exactly zero dollars and zero cents,” Harding said as part of his press release to a buzzing crowd of around 13 people who had gathered in front of a local Shoe Carnival to listen to Harding speak.

The crowd was composed of people from various different backgrounds and levels of Hardee’s fandom, but one thing is for sure: Harding’s speech sold everyone there on the idea of making the restaurant a new routine lunch stop as the new year rolls in.

An exit poll was conducted as the speech concluded, and all of the 13 people present answered that they would strongly consider eating at Hardee’s when the meal is released in January. One man wanted to make it “abundantly clear” that his answer only applied after the meal is released, saying “I wouldn’t touch that food with my least-favorite grandma’s walking stick for $10 if it wasn’t being offered to me for free.”

Betis is also increasingly excited about the upcoming deal having read about it on the “food fanatics” facebook page that he frequents.

“I only know one thing for certain,” Betis said, leaning in closely to the recording device as he spoke. “For Christmas, I’m going to need a lot of Hardee’s gift cards. “

He then pondered this statement for a moment before saying “oh wait, I won’t even need them! The food’s free! How great is that?”