Jacket zippers rejoice


Promotional poster for the jacket-zipping club that will be posted on walls all around the school in the coming weeks.

Logan Flake, Satire Editor

A jacket-zipping support group is in the works to open up in the SHS media center late this November.

The group’s mission statement, which will be broadcasted as part of a commercial advertisement on SPTV, is to “ help cleanse the world of one of the most prevalent first-world problems in society today: not being able to get that god-forsaken zipper to budge.” Early opinions for the concept seem to be “overwhelmingly positive,” according to the group’s personal PR director Samantha Meiser. Meiser expects student stress rates to plummet.