“Infinity War” leads to infinite analysis

Marvel super-fan creates 20-page report on each individual frame for the newly-released superhero film

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Logan Flake

Senior Bucky Baker looks over his completed “Avengers: Infinity War” trailer analysis while keeping his “Marvel’s #1 fan” mug full of black coffee nearby. “A part of me still can’t believe that it was me that created this beautiful work of art,” Baker said.

Logan Flake, Satire Editor

Exhausted, Senior Bucky Baker reached for his “Marvel’s #1 fan” coffee mug with hopes that the black brew would be enough to power him through what would be his 9467 viewing.

It was March 23. While many of even the biggest self-proclaimed Marvel nerds had already watched the final “Avengers: Infinity War” trailer a few times and moved on with their lives, the same could not be said for Barker. He had rewatched the short video, which was uploaded to Youtube on March 16, almost nonstop since its release, picking it apart frame-by-frame (literally) towards his goal of creating a 20-page analysis on each individual frame.

“I was so close to being finished with my masterpiece,” Baker said. “I just needed to polish up a few pages on frames 3245 and 1256 as well as make sure my thoughts on the closing frame of the trailer were factual enough. Then, it’d finally be time to reveal my findings to the world.”

With the help of the contents of his mug and some staunch persistence, Baker achieved his goal into the wee hours of March 24. After finally showering for the first time in seven days, which required changing out of the Spiderman onesie which he’d worn throughout his entire writing process, Barker couldn’t sleep.

“My mind was racing, and adrenaline was coursing through my veins,” Barker said. “I just couldn’t believe it. I’d cracked the case. I’d figured out the entirety of the movie’s plot line just from its trailer alone.”

What were the major points of Barker’s report, which was thousands of pages long upon its completion? Barker chose to share this knowledge first with The Journal after taking a month to recover mentally.

The first plot twist that Barker was able to discover came only a few frames in.

“The trailer opens with a shot of the New York City skyline upside down,” Barker said. “You know what else is upside down? Pineapple upside down cake. It is clear to me based on this opening scene that the main reason for Thanos’s destruction of earth is that he is hellbent on finding some cake. The infinity stones are just some extra icing along the way ”

Barker added that cake is “a luxury not often found in the vast confines of space,” giving credence to the idea that Thanos would be willing to annihilate an entire planet to get his hands on some.

The next of Barker’s revelations is one that he feels could be a ‘major game-changer,” detailing the surprise addition of a new team member into the Avengers.

“Frames 12-26 and 2114-2136 contain water,” Barker said. “I seem to remember a very prominent hero in the word of superheros that likes water… Aquaman, duh! Clearly, Aquaman will finally make himself known to Cap and the rest of the crew and start using his water power thingies for good. I have a giant sperm whale penciled-in as my darkhouse to kill Thanos at the end of the film.”

The last of what Barker considers his “holy-trinity” of major discoveries is one that might come as a blow to the hearts of Marvel fans everywhere.

“It even took me awhile to admit to myself that this was true,” Barker said. “If you look at frame 5351, right after Starlord pronounces that Iron Man’s plan ‘sucks,’ Stark gives Starlord one of THE pettiest and ‘girl, you did not just say that’ looks I’ve ever seen anyone produce. This has lead me to believe that Iron Man will turn rouge on the rest of the Avengers and challenge Starlord to a win-and-survive game of Wii bowling, a game which Starlord will end up prevailing in.”

These happenings barely even scratch the surface of the events detailed in Barker’s report, with a few other examples being a surprise cameo by Elton John discovered in frame 1932 and a frame where Thanos is said to perform the OK symbol with his hand and moving it below the waist, thus “getting the audience good.”

Barker plans to perform a live reading of the entirety of his analysis paper through Youtube at a later date, thus “showing up all of those wanna-be Einsteins and their 17-minute ‘everything you need to know about the Infinity War trailer’ fools” in the process. He will actually see the film as soon as he can convince his mom to take him to it.