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Onion Oracles

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Onion Oracles

Art by Hailey Boger

Art by Hailey Boger

Art by Hailey Boger

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Aries (March 21-April 19)

No, cranberry sauce does NOT go into the turkey. Stop that.

 

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

The manager at McDonalds won’t accept your 2 month old coupon. Stop holding up the line.

 

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

You are secretly a robot. Initiate self-awareness protocol SA420.

 

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Your life may be falling apart, but at least you still have that left over piece of cake in the fridge.

 

Leo (July 23-August 22)

Fortnite is too easy for you, but your wins are low? Blame it on the lag.

 

Virgo (August 23-September 22)

You will come across money in one of your winter jackets. There’s a 95 percent chance of it being Monopoly money.

 

Libra (September 23- October 22)

Stop being afraid of that creepy kid’s costume.  It has been weeks since Halloween.

 

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

Spooky season may be over, but you’re still extra.

 

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

Things are not going your way. At least Grandma Shelly made some cookies when she visited.

 

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

Meh.

 

Aquarius (January 20-February 20)  

Flip the USB over, then it’ll actually plug in.

 

Pisces (February 19-March 20)

What happened to the Y-files? The Z-files? Why is it just the X-files?

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Meet The Writer:
Cobalt Henson, Reporter

“Greetings, Starfighter. You have been recruited by the Star League to defend the frontier against Xur and the Ko-Dan armada.” - The Last Starfighter

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Onion Oracles