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Onion Oracles

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Onion Oracles

Art by Hailey Boger

Art by Hailey Boger

Art by Hailey Boger

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Aries (March 21-April 19)

No, cranberry sauce does NOT go into the turkey. Stop that.


Taurus (April 20-May 20)

The manager at McDonalds won’t accept your 2 month old coupon. Stop holding up the line.


Gemini (May 21-June 21)

You are secretly a robot. Initiate self-awareness protocol SA420.


Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Your life may be falling apart, but at least you still have that left over piece of cake in the fridge.


Leo (July 23-August 22)

Fortnite is too easy for you, but your wins are low? Blame it on the lag.


Virgo (August 23-September 22)

You will come across money in one of your winter jackets. There’s a 95 percent chance of it being Monopoly money.


Libra (September 23- October 22)

Stop being afraid of that creepy kid’s costume.  It has been weeks since Halloween.


Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

Spooky season may be over, but you’re still extra.


Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

Things are not going your way. At least Grandma Shelly made some cookies when she visited.


Capricorn (December 22-January 19)



Aquarius (January 20-February 20)  

Flip the USB over, then it’ll actually plug in.


Pisces (February 19-March 20)

What happened to the Y-files? The Z-files? Why is it just the X-files?

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Meet The Writer:
Cobalt Henson, Red Onion Editor

“Greetings, Starfighter. You have been recruited by the Star League to defend the frontier against Xur and the Ko-Dan armada.” - The Last Starfighter


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Onion Oracles