Onion Oracles


Art by Nina Gojko

Aries (March 21-April 19)

  • The second step of Proactiv will become your best friend.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

  • Khaki shorts look good on very few people. Keep that in mind.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

  • That thing you’ve been worrying about for months is going to make you wake up in a cold sweat. It’d be a lot less weird if you knew whose sweat it was.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

  • Change your ringtone. The “Kim Possible” one is giving people ‘Nam flashbacks.

Leo (July 23-August 22)

  • The lion sleeps tonight, but the tiger sure doesn’t.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)

  • The new police dog is actually looking for the PB&Js that mysteriously went missing, your suspicions were right.

Libra (September 23- October 22)

  • The school nurses have baby wipes!

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

  • He ain’t worth it, sweetie.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

  • You got out of bed today! Good job!

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

  • You are not certified to wear Thrasher. That is all.

Aquarius (January 20-February 20)  

  • You dropped your water bottle. It magically flew across the auditorium lobby.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)

  • This town ain’t big enough for all this sass.