“Work on yourself before you find others,” or “You have to become a good version of yourself first,” are all messages touted by self-help books and online rhetoric about self-care. But, growing by yourself to a better version of you is nearly impossible.

  This sentiment that people should become self-sustaining in their happiness is counterintuitive. Expecting people to constantly be fine on their own can create more pressure to be happy, and make people feel more isolated by not reaching out when they need help. We all need each other and this mindset is ultimately harmful.

To an extent this message is helpful because putting pressure on those around you to essentially therapize you can put an extreme burden on them.

  But this extreme view that one must become the best version of themselves before they create meaningful relationships, will lead to even less growth. 

  Emulating the best things about the people around oneself is how they will grow. Without positive examples, people can become more introspective. Which, in some instances, can be good if one is thinking of how their actions impact others, they are likely willing to change. 

  But introspection can also become a slippery slope. If one thinks they are hurting those around them with their simple actions, rather than finding ways to fix things because they have the kind guiding hand of their friends, they could just become reclusive in themselves. 

   Finding a sense of community where one feels okay to make mistakes and ask questions is where true growth will happen, not in someone’s head all by themselves.