Gritsianity is the bee’s knees, man


Logan Flake, Satire Editor

Some Sunday morning rituals consist of dressing up real nice to get to church bright-and-early for a few hours of thoughtful sermon. Mine consists of throwing on shorts and one of my 10,000 band t-shirts and heading to my favorite restaurant, Waffle House, for a few hours of hash brown-eating with my best buds. I think we all know who has it better.
Why is it that I go to Waffle House on the holiest day of the week? To me, Waffle House is essentially heaven on earth. Every time I walk in there, I have nothing short of a deep spiritual awakening. It’s a feeling that is unmatched by anything, even by the feeling I get watching my favorite hockey team not be terrible (which only happens once every three or so months anyways.) It was this feeling that drove me to center my religious beliefs around the joint, and I haven’t looked back ever since.
Here’s how it works. If you want to join the Waffle House religion I’ve deemed “Gritsianity,” initiation is simple. All you have to do is buy yourself (and me) an order of the regular-sized hash browns (oh, and you have to get me an orange juice, too.) If you can successfully finish what’s on your plate, you’ll be welcomed into the religion with open arms. If such success occurs, we will both celebrate with a slice of triple chocolate cake (which you also pay for.) “September” by Earth, Wind & Fire will also play viciously through the jukebox on repeat for the rest of the day.
What if you want to become more than just a follower of his holiness, Jesus Hash brown Christ? It is more than possible to move up in the ranks and become a priest in the diner gospel. Here is what you must do. First, you must sing along passionately to a song of your choice from the jukebox in front of all of the customers present at the time (I’d suggest singing “Beautiful Girls” by Sean Kingston. That one went over really well when I performed it.) Next comes the hard part. To complete your journey to priesthood, you must successfully eat an order of the triple hash browns with your choice of city or country ham. You are not granted access to a beverage during this task. You must also prove your compassion and good-nature to me by ordering me the same exact meal (except I get to have a drink because I made this religion so I make the rules.)
If you can complete this challenge, you officially become a priest. What does the title of being a priest do for you in the religion of Gritsianity? Absolutely nothing, other than the ability to perform weddings if a couple is smart enough to have theirs at Waffle House. Other than that, it doesn’t really do anything for you. This religion is literally centered around just being at and eating Waffle house. There aren’t any sermons. It makes you sound cool, though!
So, if you’re looking to be a part of a religion with its priorities in order, then head on down to your nearest Waffle House (after inviting me, of course,) order some regular-sized hash browns, and dive in. The only way you could possibly make the experience better is if you order your hash browns chunked. Chunked hash browns are God’s greatest gift to mankind.